Naruto Uzumaki: Konoha's Finest
by side effects include death
Summary: Dive into the action packed life of Naruto Uzumaki. As one of Konoha's elite members of ANBU, Naruto must insure the safety of the lives of those in Konoha. Sucks for them. New Chapter Up!
1. Prologue

Prologue:

Naruto Uzumaki stared at the scenery below. He had stopped on his mission because nature beckomed him. Mother Earth stared at him with lust filled eyes and Naruto Uzumaki obliged. He stared at the scene she presented him. It was truly beautiful. There was a lake with crystal clear water being disturbed only by water falling from three waterfalls.

The first, and largest of the three was a spectacle to be held. The waterfall was stronger than any man could dream to be and was louder and more commanding then even the toughest army T.I.

The second waterfall was but a small child. She was gentle and had a soothing voice that could only be matched by Eve. Her water, was the purest of all and all the creatures of the forest knew and gathered by her.

The third and last waterfall was Naruto Uzumaki's favorite. It was the smallest, but the most unique. For it was yellow, and it was his own. It was his piss. Naruto Uzumaki whistled as he gave back to nature what was once it. In one of two of the shittiest forms he could. Naturally speaking of course.

Naruto put his member back in his pants, zipped up, gave one last stupid grin to Mother Nature; who at this point was utterly disgusted and revolted; and set off on his mission.

It wouldn't be a long one though. He forgot his mission papers back at his other "nature admiring stop" and used it as toilet paper.

Yes, Naruto Uzumaki was one of Konoha's finest. God help them all.


	2. Chapter 1

Naruto Uzumaki was back in Konoha after his failed mission. Tsunade yelled at him telling him that that mission had been "of top priority" or something like that. Naruto didn't care. In fact, he didn't even try to make a single cell of his body care about the fact that some old bitch is now dead.

But then Naruto did start to care when Tsunade showed him pictures of the old women's burial. He was nearly in tears now. He was so hungry and Tsunade was still going on about some old dead bitch that looked like she was gonna die anyway even if he did save her from assassins. Naruto Uzumaki did what any stupid, hungry man would at that point. He got up and left Tsunade's office, escorted out, of course by Tsunade's cussing and found himself looking for somewhere to eat.

Naruto Uzumaki arrived at his favorite place to eat. I'm guessing you know where that is. If you don't, I'm sorry you should read/watch Naruto over again. Naruto's ramen arrived and as usual, he inhaled it as if it was crack, with his mouth of course.

The truth was, Naruto hated ramen. He just ate it because if he ate enough of it, everyone hated him for it and that was good enough for Naruto. Sure enough Sakura came up and hit Naruto. Naruto grinned as he flew back. He wasn't sure if she punched him because of the dead old bitch or the ramen, but for his stomach's sake, he assumed the ramen.

Tsunade was even stupider than Naruto. In fact, she was so stupid, she gave him another mission. She acted even more stupidly when she sent Sakura and Sausuke with him. Yes, Tsunade was a retard.

Naruto was with his team packing for their new mission to "assassinate the assassins who killed 'the old bitch" and he watched Sauske with hate filled eyes.

Sauske always picked his clothes for the next day the night before and he was doing so now. It was a faggoty thing to do. It was the most faggoty thing you could possibly do because at the moment, that's exactly what Sauske was doing. What a fag.

Sakura, on the other hand, was picking her clothes for the entire week at the moment. It was a beautiful, sexy, and provocative,thing to do. What a slut.

Naruto and his team were packed and they headed off to Konoha's gates and off. Little did they know that his mission would be slightly more than they bargained for.

Next chapter will have some action in it.


	3. ANote

AN:

Second Chapter will be up soon but I wanted to put a note up for those who were asking me why I'm writing this story if I hate Naruto. I don't hate it, this is just a comedy story and this a comedic style I'm taking for this story. It's supposed to make everyone seem like idiots. It's supposed to be seem completely absurd.

I don't give a damn if you don't like my story. Gives me something to do. Flame me all you want. I don't give a damn. Call me whatever you like rant or whatever. Do whatever makes you feel good.

Yes I know I'm bashing all the characters but that's if you look at it from the anime/manga view. Look at the characters as if you've never seen them. If you don't like me insulting some of the characters than get your head out of your ass.

God Bless You All

~SEID


	4. Chapter 2

Naruto, Sakura, and Sauske were on their way to the Village Hidden in the Dirt for their mission. Naruto, of course, led the way in his orange jumpsuit. Sakura and Sauske followed behind him. It was a pitiful thing to watch them on their way to the Dirt Village. Naruto looked like the bastard child of an orangutan and a fox. Sakura and Sauske, on the other hand, were dressed much better. Sakura had on her red dress that alerted all of her enemies to her presence and Sauske was wearing his blue shirt with the Uchiha clan symbol on the back. The Uchiha clan symbol was a wonderful thing for Sauske to have on his back. It gave a handy target for any of his enemies in case they wanted to paralyze him by severing his spinal cord. Such a feat however, was made infinitely more impossible by Sakura's presence for she was a medical ninja.

Naruto often questioned Sakura's purpose.

"What's the point of being a medic nin, we're ninja's. It's not like were not meant to die." He would say.

"Naruto, you baka!" Sakura would yell. "Why would you want to die?"

"Because then we wouldn't have to do anymore missions and then I wouldn't have to worry about dying anymore."

Sakura would then walk away mumbling that Naruto was crazy. Naruto wondered if it was crazier to be prepared to die because of his line of work, or if it was crazier to wear a bright red dress when you expected to be a master of stealth.

Team 7 moved fast and soon, they came upon the Village Hidden in the Dirt except it had started to rain and now it was The Village Formerly Hidden in the Dirt That Is Now Covered In Mud.

More to come soon.


	5. Another Note

Yes, another little note. I guess people didn't get the first one.

This is a satire story people. It's supposed to mock the characters and point out their flaws. So just lighten up and laugh a little.

I don't give a flying fuck if you hate the story. I don't care if you cuss me out or report me or whatever. I'm just having fun. Not every story has to be a generic "Naruto vs. Sauske" or "Who will Hinata/Sakura choose?".

Anyways, final note, if you enjoy my writing style, I recommend you pick up either Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut or Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. Right now I'm heavily influenced by both Vonnegut and Heller and why read a crappy fanfiction for this writing style when you can read to classic novels, eh?

Well next chapter will be published whenever I get inspired or give a fuck about this story.


End file.
